59 Funny inspirational quotes

 Funny inspirational quotes

Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men - the other 999 follow women. 
-Groucho Marx

The successful man will profit from his mistakes and try again in a different way. 
-Dale Carnegie

An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh. 
-Will Rogers

If you wish to make a man your enemy,tell him simply, "You are wrong." This method works every time..
-Henry Link

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife. 
-Groucho Marx

Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there. 
-Will Rogers

If you are afraid of being lonely, don't try to be right. 
-Jules Renard

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason. 
-Jerry Seinfeld

All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner. 
-Red Skelton

You must pay for your sins If you have already paid, please ignore this notice. 
-Sam Levenson

A business that makes nothing but money is a poor business. 
-Henry Ford

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake. 
-Napoleon Bonaparte

Woman are meant to be loved, not to be understood. 
-Oscar Wilde

If you're going through hell, keep going. 
-Winston Churchill

It's okay to look at the past and the future. Just don't stare. 
-Rickstarr

Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example. 
-La Rochefoucald

Honesty is the best policy when there is money in it. 
-Mark Twain

If you hit the target every time it’s too near or too big.
-Tom Hirshfield

The difference between genius and stupidity is;genius has its limits. 
-Albert Einstein

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die. 
-Joe Louis

Women will never be as successful as men because they have no wives to advise them. 
-Dick Van Dyke

I know worrying works, because none of the stuff I worried about ever happened. 
-Will Rogers

Wise men talk because they have something to say. Fools talk because they have to say something. 
-Plato

A man is not paid for having a head and hands, but for using them. 
-Elbert Hubbard

Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life. 
-Confucius

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money. 
-W. C. Fields

Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.  
-Dale Carnegie

At my age flowers scare me. 
-George Burns

It is easy for me to love myself, but for ladies to do it is another question altogether. 
-Johnny Vegas

Those who believe they can do something and those who believe they can't are both right. 
-Henry Ford

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. 
-Jim Carrey

We are all born mad. Some remain so. 
-Samuel Beckett

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. 
-Groucho Marx

People who fly into a rage always make a bad landing. 
-Will Rogers

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. 
-Mae West

No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar. 
-Abraham Lincoln

 

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. 
-Erma Bombeck

I believe in rules. Sure I do. If there weren't any rules, how could you break them? 
-Leo Durocher

Computers are good at following instructions, but not at reading your mind. 
-Donald Knuth

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. 
-Steven Wright

A word to the wise ain't necessary it's the stupid ones that need the advice. 
-Bill Cosby

One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory. 
-Rita Mae Brown

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens. 
-Woody Allen

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. 
-Mark Twain

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock. 
-Henny Youngman

I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me. 
-Warren Buffett

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. 
-Fred Allen

An idea isn't responsible for the people who believe in it. 
-Don Marquis

When everyone thinks alike, no one thinks very much. 
-Walter Lippmann

I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong. 
-Benjamin Franklin

I ain't sleeping. I'm just taking a good look at the insides of my eyelids.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. 
-Henny Youngman 

Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive. 
-Tim Allen

I'm an idealist. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way. 
-Carl Sandburg

Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone. 
-Anthony Burgess

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is. 
-Ellen DeGeneres

If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito. 
-Dalai Lama

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly. 
-Winston Churchill

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive. 
-Elbert Hubbard