Funny facebook whatsapp status

Funny Facebook Whatsapp Status (302 statuses)

If time does not wait for you, don’t worry. Just remove the battery from the clock and enjoy life. 

Silence is the best answer of all questions and Smile is the best reaction in all situations. Unfortunately both never help in VIVA & INTERVIEW. 

At times I feel that waiting for the right person in life is like waiting for boat at the airport. 

I never make the same mistake twice. I make it 4 or 5 times, just to be sure. 

U never realize how dirty or bad a song is until u listen to it in the car with your mom 

When I die, I want to be buried with sunglasses on and my hands behind my head So when I deteriorate,I’ll be the chillest skeleton ever. 

A book just fell on my head. I`ve only got myshelf to blame. 

When I cross a one way road, I still look both ways. Just in case there are any women driving 

I think the guy who invented ties was trying to commit suicide then he saw himself in the mirror & thought."Wait, this looks nice. 

Girls eyebrows these days be looking like they got sponsored by nike. 

Facebook account is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account! 

I`m going to stand outside. So if anyone asks, I am outstanding 

My parents say its their house, but when its time to clean it magically becomes my house too. 

I was gonna take over the world this morning but I overslept. Postponed. Again 

Reasons to date me: I laugh at my own jokes so you don`t have to. 

That moment when you clean your glasses and suddenly everything is in high definition. 

I’m really good at stuff until people watch me do that stuff. 

Alcohol is never the answer... But it does make you forget the question. 

Why do people ask "What were you thinking?" Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not have to explain. 

Everyone is self-confident until they see themselves through an iPhone`s front camera, instant depression. 

when I wake up from a nap no one can talk to for at least 45 minutes because I`m 350% more ugly and 900% mad 

Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “northwest.” 

Me after just cleaning my room: Wow I am never letting my room get messy again! The next day: Has anyone seen my bed. 

singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth then it just becomes a soap opera 

Scientists say the world is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons. They forgot to mention morons. 

Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is an idiot. 

True friends don`t judge each other. They judge other people together. 

If your plan A doesn`t work, don`t sweat it. The alphabet has 25 more letters.

Officer: How high are you? Drunk: No officer its Hi, how are you? 

Whoever said "money doesnt grow on trees" has obviously never sold weed. 

Police: "You were going fast." Me: "I was trying to keep up with traffic." Police: "There isn`t any." Me: I know! That`s how far behind I am.. 

I DO WHAT I WANT, WHEN I WANT, WHEREVER I WANT. .. As long as my mom says it`s ok... 

A guy knocked on my door asking for a small donation for the local pool, so I gave him a glass of water. 

primary source of income: when my mom gives me money to buy something and doesn’t ask for the change back. 

Google+ is the gym of social networking: We all join, but nobody actually uses it. 

 

Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermione from Harry Potter went alone and got attacked by a troll

You think you have relationship issues? Try separating me from my bed in the morning.

When people go underwater in movies, I like to hold my breath and see if I would survive in that situation. I died in Finding Nemo.

That lion king moment, when you hold your phone in the air to get a better reception.. :D

Shoutout to this ATM fee for making me buy my own money. 

Facebook spent $19 billion on Whatsapp. NASA’s budget for 2014 is $16 billion. And they are trying to text aliens 

My wallet is like an onion. When I open it, I cry. 

Accidentally punched myself in the face trying to pull my blanket up, if that doesn’t accurately describe my life i don’t know what does

Everyone has that one friend who needs to learn how to whisper. 

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you`re a mile away from them and you have their shoes 

My love life will never be satisfactory until someone runs through an airport to stop me from getting on a flight. 

kids that look exactly like one of their parents are so weird, it’s like they’re the lowercase and uppercase versions of a person 

Please, if I ever offend you, it`s because I meant to. 

Dear Fox News, I have yet to see any news about foxes. Sincerely, Disappointed viewer. 

My mom told me to follow my dreams. So I took a nap. 

*DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME* ..... Okay, I will go to my best friend`s house and try it. 

I will never understand why people with iPhones, feel the need to take pictures in the mirror. There`s 2 cameras for a reason. 

My doctor told me to watch my drinking, so now I drink in front of a mirror.

My new voicemail: "If you have reached this recording, please hang up and text me." 

A Mosquito landed on my friend`s face.... Easiest decision of my life! 

When I'm waiting in a line for something, I hate everyone in front of me. Everyone behind me is cool. 

I tried to kill a spider with hair spray. It's still alive, but its hair looks amazing! 

When you open the front facing camera by accident and you look like a deformed animal with a triple chin. 

Never make the same mistake twice, There are so many new ones, Try a different one each day. 

Any time a bird craps on my car, I eat an entire plate of scrambled eggs on my porch, just to show the birds what I`m capable of. 

Whenever I see a couple sharing the same Facebook account, I feel like saying to them, alright which one of you had an affair. 

My headphones are like my own personal "DO NOT DISTURB" signs. 

When you are on 1% battery anyone who sends a text message or calling you, becomes your enemy. 

I dont get many compliments, so I was suprised when the phone company called up to say I had an Outstanding Account.

They say milk gives you strength so I drank 5 glasses and still couldn't move a wall, I tried 13 shots of vodka and saw the wall move itself 

Some people just need a hug... around their neck... with a rope. 

There is a light at the end of every tunnel….just pray it’s not a train!. 

When I was born I was so surprised, I didnt talk for a year and a half.. 

is wondering why brain cells die, skin cells die, your hair follicle die, but fat cells live FOREVER? 

Women want everything from one man and Man want only one thing from every Women. 

when someone touches my phone I automatically turn into a ninja 

If you can't win an argument, correct their grammar instead... 

I sprayed mosquito repellent on a mosquito. Now he’ll never have any friends... 

When I say "wow that`s cray" it means 99% of the time I wasn`t listening. 

Dear Boys, saying the phrase "I'm not like other guys" makes you sound like every Guy that says it.

If mummies are from Egypt, then from where are daddies from? 

If common sense is so common why is there so many people with out it?

When I see people jogging outside I like to drive behind them slowly blasting Eye of the Tiger for motivation 

I’m a leader. Not a follower. Unless it’s a dark place, then screw it you’re going first. 

Seeing your ex with someone uglier than you. Awesome. 

 

Years of education, solving tough problems, yet we take a while standing before glass doors thinking whether to Push or Pull. 

It’s not weird to talk to yourself, it’s just weird when someone else hears you talking to yourself. 

If spiders ever realize that people are scared of them, we`re absolutely screwed. 

Admit it, at one point in time you were attracted to a cartoon character.

Never judge a book by its cover. Example: 50 Shades Of Grey is not a book about colors. 

If robbers ever broke into my house and searched for money I`d just laugh and search with them. 

My wrinkles are all from laughter. Except those lines between my eyebrows...those are my "WTF?" lines.

You never really know someone until you talk to them at 4 am. 

That fail moment when you realize you still count with your fingers. 

Forgetting to bring your phone to the toilet is like forgetting to bring a gun to war.

What`s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination.

The best things in life are free until the government finds out and taxes it. 

I`m not saying I hate you,… I`m just saying if we were being chased by zombies, I would trip you. 

Sometimes I wish my pets could talk.. Then I remember everything I`ve done in front of them.

Just because you cant dance,it doesn't mean you shouldn't - alcohol 

My mom always says, If you don`t have anything nice to say, don`t say anything at all..now you know why I don`t talk to you.