Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
At first it was "Okay" and then "ok" and now "k" and soon it will disappear and you`ll all regret it.
Sure you can touch my phone. I have nothing to hide ... except your dead body if you do.
Nothing says “I hate you” like giving someone’s child a drum set.
"Message sent failed. Would you like to retry?" Nope. I don`t have enough energy for that.
Me , jealous of you? Girl do you own a mirror?..
"I know what I`m doing" - What people say before they screw something up.
Your hand writing is good, so you have less chances of becoming a doctor.
My mom said dinner was ready and I went into the kitchen and it wasn’t even ready. I’m sick of all these lies, it`s tearing our family apart.
I gotta carry my phone around with me 24/7 just in case nobody texts me.
I love my toilet. We`ve been through a lot of shit together.
I don`t run. In fact, if you see me running, you better follow because it`s likely something is chasing me
I hate it when my alarm clock totally interrupts my planking practice.
That fake laugh you do when you don’t understand what somebody just said to you. You`re like :D but deep inside you`re like o_O
I`ve gotta stop saying "How stupid can you be?". Too many people are taking it as a challenge.
Someone told me I was immature....well guess who`s not allowed in my tree house anymore?
Yes officer, I saw the "speed limit" sign, I just didn`t see you.
Sometimes I drink a glass of water just to surprise my liver.
To all the people who think they don`t need deodorant...what the hell would make you think that?
You know it`s cold outside when you go outside and it`s cold.
A true friend will play ninja with you in the middle of Walmart and think it`s normal.
Dear Parents, Thanks for giving me such a weird name. Sincerely, my name is never on those customized keychains
One of the hardest things in life is trying to plug in your charger in the dark.
No matter how bad your day seems, just remember that someone out there has to clean the bathrooms at Taco Bell.
Love is blind, marriage is the eye-opener... :P
When someone said the words "I love you" and you dont feel the same way, just say "I love YOUTUBE" really fast
If I don't answer my phone the first time you call, calling 5 more times isn't going to make me answer. :p
You know it's awkward when your parents send friend request to all your friends.:p
"don't drink and drive you might spill your beer" :)
If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other. :p
Dear Girls, It's impossible to think that all guys are the same.. You haven't met every guy out there! :p
I wish we can Google . . . how a certain person feels about us..... :D
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
Control your "ANGER." Bcoz It is just one letter away from D'ANGER...
The moment of shame when an automatic door doesn't open for you :P :D
Intelligence is like an underwear. You should always have it but you don't need to show it :P
Sun Glasses ---> They allow you to stare at people without being caught :)
The tragedy when you have more than 400 contacts saved in your phone and not a single phone number you can dial when you feeling lonely... .
Whenever you feel sad, just remember that somewhere in this world there`s an idiot pulling a door that says "PUSH"!.
Girls work on their looks, not their minds, because they know boys are stupid, not blind. .
I'm Not Sad For Being Single Rather I'm Thinking Of Her Who Is Single Because Of Me... :p .
My favorite text message: "i`ll be there in 5 minutes. if not, read this again." .
Never make love in the garden or in the fields....Love might be blind but your neighbors aren't!..;p ;p.
I like really dark movie theaters.... That way, I don't have to buy my own popcorn. :p .
Next time you're on an elevator with four or more strangers, You should turn around and say, "I'm sure you're wondering why I've gathered you all here..
Today's Relationships: You can touch each other, but not each others phones .
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman..
After much thought The reason women don't play football is because eleven of them would never wear the same outfit in public... :D.
Accidentally making eye contact with that certain someone, then awkwardly pretending you didn't...
Relationship Status: ( ) Single ( ) In a Relationship ( ) Married ( ) Engaged ( ) Divorced (X) Waiting for a miracle..
That awkward moment after you call your girlfriend the wrong name .
TIP TO REDUCE WEIGHT: Turn your head to the left & then turn to the right. Repeat exercise whn offered somethin to eat. ;).
Boy: Is your name Google?, Girl: NO!!... Why? , Boy: cuz u got everything I am searching for :P.
God made us all different. But when he got to China he thought, "Okay. Copy, paste, copy, paste...
If you don't do anything stupid when you're young, you won't remember something funny when you're old. =).
Mind Over Matter If You Ain't On My Mind, You Don't Matter.
If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong. .
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
I love you" "OMG, really? What a coincidence!" "Why? You love me too?" "No, I love myself too!.
If aliens ever land here and demand to see our leader, I think our best chance of survival would be to bring them Lady Gaga..
You never realize how weird your friends are until you start to describe them to someone else..
Fall in love Visit both heaven and hell for the price of one ;)
I've always wondered why W is called Double U, when it's clearly Double V... :P
Dear shaving commercials, stop shaving hairless legs. If you want impress us, please shave a gorilla.
Hardest job in the world: Police sketch artist in China..
Saying something stupid and thinking “Yeah, that sounded way better in my head.
I could be a morning person. If morning happened to be around noon.
Scariest Moment: Flushing the toilet at someone else`s house, and seeing the water slowly rise.
That awkward moment when I`m really drunk and you`re still ugly.
What is the diffrent between a girl and a phone... You can put a phone on silent.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too .
Trying not to act suspicious when passing police even though you're innocent..
I BLAME MOVIES for my high expectations of relationships
Childhood is like being drunk. Everyone remembers what you did, except you.
Smart phones, smart cars, smart televisions... when are they going to start making smart people?
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap 8 people at once.
Admit it you listen to other strangers conversations and mentally give your opinion .
Low battery* *Low battery* *Low battery* Well apparently you have enough battery to remind me every 2 seconds.
They say that money can`t solve problems, but I`m pretty sure it would solve my money problem.
No matter how old you are, whenever you walk into a glass door you pretend like you meant to do that.
I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.
You said it was a long story, but you told me and it took about 10 seconds.
Lying in bed in the middle of the night trying to decide if it`s worth it to get up & pee or if you can hold it in until the morning.
Most girls on facebook have more problems than a math book.
HEY COME HERE ITS IMPORTANT!!" "what", "Can you turn my light off?"
Dear McDonalds, why are all the people in your commercials thin? Sincerely, highly suspect..
Dear people who write on the bathroom stalls; i don`t care who you "heart." sincerely, just trying to pee.
Reason why I check my sms... 5% Because I care about my relation, 95% to remove that annoying icon..
You always know you`re in trouble, when your friend is staring off in space and gives you a creepy smile.
Are you asleep?” “No I was in coma, thanks for saving me.
Today I sent out a text saying, “Hey, I lost my phone, will you call it?” 12 people called me…I need smarter friends..
Who’s that?” “What are they doing?” “What’s happening?”; “Shut up and watch the movie..
I`ve always wondered how police on bikes arrest criminals... It`s like, "Alright, get in the basket!.
Last night when I was drunk I asked a cat if it could talk, it replied! "Me? How? .
That awkward moment when the bathroom is silent except for the sound of your pee & you hope the person washing their hands isn’t listening.
Lies Told In Texts - I`m almost there. (When you actually haven`t even left the house. .
Thanks wind, you totally raped my hair.
I love my six-pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat.
1 universe, 9 planets, 204 countries, 809 islands,7 seas, over 6 billion people, and I had the unfortunate luck of meeting you.
I never understand why people take pictures of themselves giving the finger... seriously, was the camera mean to you or something?! o_O
Sleep is my drug, my bed is my dealer, & my alarm clock is the police.
When I Die, Someone Should Keep Updating My Status To Freak Out People..
There are only two types of honest people in this world, small children and drunk people.
The walk of shame at the store when you have to put something back because your mom says "no."
When you hear your own voice recorded and think..."omg I sound horrible..
Reading texts half asleep is like looking into the sun
No one is as ugly as their drivers license picture, or as good-looking as their Facebook profile picture.
thinks that facebook should change the status question from “what’s on your mind?” to “what’s your problem today?
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism
Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
Remembers the day when blackberry and apple were just fruit.
I make way more decisions than I should based on the battery life of my phone.
If people have a problem with u, always remember, it is THEIR problem.
The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.
If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
Men are like BLUETOOTH connection, when UR beside them they stay connected but when you are away they search for new devices.
Dear smartphones, why can`t you charge yourself? Sincerely, you`re not so smart after all.
If people could read my mind, I’d get punched in the face a lot.
Between Facebook texting, tweeting and email, I haven’t spoken a word in the last 3 years.
Facebook is the adult way of having imaginary friends..
Some people talk in their sleep. Lecturers talk while other people sleep..
Women are like police, they can have all the evidence in the world but they still want a confession..
They say that alcohol kills slowly. So what? Who’s in a hurry?.
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished..
Help a girl when she is in trouble.... Believe me...she will remember you, when she is in trouble again..:p.
Sometimes at home I talk in my sleep, but at school I sleep while others are talking..
I won’t take a bullet for anyone because if I have time to jump in front of a bullet, you have time to move..
Our language is called the mother tongue . because the father never gets a chance to Speak.!:p.
When your ex asks if you can still be friends right after a break up, it's like having a kidnapper tell you to keep in touch.
When I’m ignoring a phone call, the phone seems to ring far longer than usual..
Why do men fart more often than women? Because women do not keep their mouth shut long enough to build up the pressure. :p
Do you remember the old saying, “if someone is mean to you, kill em’ with kindness?” How long does it take for the “killing” part to take effect?
When i die, i want my tombstone to have free WiFI, so people visit more often. :D.
When people don't laugh at my jokes I just assume that they're not up to my level of comedy.
For you men who think a woman’s place is in the kitchen, remember thats where the knives are kept.
Girls who say "alot of guys are after me" should keep in mind that low prices attract many customers..
I always learn from mistakes of others, who took my advice :).
It’s funny how people judge other’s mistakes while they also do the same thing.
I don’t believe that love comes to those who wait. Today love comes to those who flirt. LOL.
When I say ‘it’s a long story’, it doesn’t mean it’s actually a long story. It means I just don’t want to tell you.
I hate people who steal my ideas, before I think of them :)
Remember, there are two words in life that will open a lot of doors for you. Push and Pull.
Girls are funny creatures. They hate it when you ask their age but will kill you if you forget their birthday.
Nothing moves faster than a girl untagging herself from an ugly picture.
I used to like my neighbours, until they put a password on their Wi-Fi :)
Only fools fall in love and I guess I’m one of them :).
The definition of a beautiful girl is one who loves me :)
I hate when people all of a sudden decide to be funny when I am drinking something :)
Sleep is for the people who has no access to Internet.
Facebook rule #1: If I’m not in it, don’t tag me in your photo.
The best way to make people remember you? Borrow money from them..
I could be in another country but if someone is waiting on me and they call, I always say I'll be there in 5 minutes.
One day your prince will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost and is too stubborn to ask for directions :)
I have only one goal on facebook... to make someone laugh so hard that they fall off their toilet and shit the floor. :p
Don't try to understand women. Women understand women and they hate each other.:P
I hate when I'm admiring my good looks from a car's window reflection and the people inside think I'm staring at them.:P
Stop advertising your relationship on Facebook, not everyone wants to see you HAPPY :P
I hate when I'm in public & a girl is looking at me, Idk if shes thinking "Oh he's cute" or "How the hell did a walrus escape from the zoo?" :p
I'm only liking your status to let you know that I read it so you won't try to tell me about it later. :p
Don't pay attention to this status, I'm standing alone in public so I'm doing this to make it look like I'm texting. :p
GOOGLE must be a woman because it knows everything.
Money can’t buy happiness, but it pays for internet, which is pretty much the same thing..
Kidnapping? I prefer the term “surprise adoption''.
If people winked in real life as much as they wink in text, this world would be a very creepy place..
Years of education , solving tough problems, handling complex issues, yet we take a while standing before glass doors thinking whether to Push or Pull.
How to sleep faster: Decorate your bedroom to look like a classroom.
I don’t always lose my phone but when I do its always on silent :)
I am sure I have a defective iphone, I keep pressing the home button and I’m still at work.
Boyfriend: Do you think my salary is sufficient for you? Girlfriend: It’s sufficient for me but how will you survive?
My family says I talk in my sleep but nobody at work has ever mentioned it. Lolz.
Question of the Day: When you wait for a waiter in a restaurant, aren’t you a waiter?.
Laughing is the best medicine but if you are laughing for no reason, you need medicine.
The 3 fastest means of communication: telephone, television and tell a woman.
You dont realise how many clothes you have, until you wash them.
I make fun of life because i am too afraid to take it seriously. \m/
Restaurant Advertisement Board: We serve food as HOT as your neighbour's wife, and beer as COLD as your own!"
When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered if God is playing angry birds with you?
Today morning when I was driving my Ferrari, the alarm woke me up. :D
I`m not single. I`m in a long standing relationship with fun and freedom.
I'm Pretty sure my prayers go directly to God's spam folder..
Freedom of speech is lost when you get into a relationship and she is beautiful...
Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead of using it.
I follow the quote, “Always be true to yourself” because I only lie to others!.
I posted on your wall. No, not Facebook, look at the side of your house..
I may be old enough to know better, but I am STILL young enough to DO IT...
When you first joined Facebook you never thought this shit would be this addictive..
Dry fruits are just fruits that have become senior citizens..
I want some one to give me a Loan and then leave me Alone. :).
We are WTF generation …. WhatsApp, Twitter and Facebook :D
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