FunnY STatus updates for facebook

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money,you can have a key made.

Accept who you are, unless you’re a serial killer...

Next time your girl wants you to take her somewhere expensive, take her to the gas station, almost 5.00/gallon...

I tried to be normal once. Worst two minutes of my life...

We live in the era of smart phones and stupid people...

May your coffee be strong and your Monday be short...

Out of all the lies I’ve told, “Just kidding!” is my favorite...

If I were a bird, I’d fly straight into a ceiling fan...

People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day...

I would challenge you to a battle of wits, but I see you are unarmed...

I stay up late every night and realize it’s a bad idea every morning..

I am sorry for those that disagree with me because I know that they are wrong...

If your life is all about screwing things and getting hammered, then congratulations, you’re a tool...

My life is all math. I am trying to add to my income, subtract from my weight, divide my time, and avoid multiplying...

It’s useless to hold a person to anything they say when they are in love, drunk, or running for office...

Just remember, if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off...

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, just try missing a couple of payments...

Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you, but not in the one ahead...

Most people are only alive because it’s illegal to shoot them...

They keep saying the right person will come along. I think mine was hit by a truck…

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine...

I’m gonna go take a hot shower. It’s like a normal shower, but with me in it...

I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life; if I die next Tuesday...

Alarm Clocks: because every morning should begin with a heart attack...

The two best times to keep your mouth shut are when you’re swimming and when you’re angry...

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by...

Sarcastic quotes